Try Softer: Book Review

My helmet was snug on my head. The sounds around me were muffled by its presence over my ears. My skates felt secure beneath me, connecting me to the ground. I was ready to glide. I was determined to succeed, determined to be the best. I knew my strengths weren’t in shooting or offensive action, though I could if I had to. My strength was in defense. I coached myself into tunnel vision with my eye on the ball and my opponent, my helmet making it easier by blocking out my peripheral vision.

The voice in my head is louder with all the other noise drowned out. 

Focus. 

Keep your stick down. 

You can do better. 

You can try harder. 

All you have to do is use your energy to accomplish the task at hand. 

You can do this. 

You will do this. 

Try harder. 

Be faster. 

Think quicker. 

Hockey was the only thing that I thought I had. I wasn’t exceptionally good at anything, except for hockey, so I wanted it to be my “thing”. I tried hard every practice, wanting to play more, try harder, practice more and be the best… for a girl.

Hockey is one of the first times I can remember my internal voice being so loud and demanding. It is and was a survival mechanism. It wanted me to succeed. The downside is that it has never left me alone, and I suspect you might find yourself in a similar position.

Reading the book, Try Softer was refreshing. I honestly had no idea what the title meant when I picked the book up. I knew I had seen it a few times and that the author, Aundi Kolber ran in circles of people whose books I had read or were familiar with. I bought it for the tag line: “A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode--and into a Life of Connection and Joy”. With many physical and mental issues in this season: it was a book whose title was full of hope, though I thought I was beyond hope.

I learned as I read the book that my internal voice is much more harsh and negative than I thought it was. For a while, I lived with social anxiety, and that voice was the voice that I heard the most because I was not as able to converse or have a community to lean on to shape a positive voice. Friends and companions were few and far between, especially in my younger years - so my internal voice was the one who got me by in school, on the bus, or playing alone in my room. The voice was mostly ashamed of who I was due to my lack of friends, social status or impressive qualities. The voice wanted me to try harder to be valuable. 

“Trying softer isn’t about knowing or doing the right thing; it’s about being gentle with ourselves in the face of pain that is keeping us stuck. Because no matter how hard we try, we can’t hate or shame ourselves into change. Only love can move us toward true growth. This is the love given to us by a gentle, kind, compassionate, good God—and the love we are invited to give ourselves too.” - Aundi Kolber

Further reflection has shown that my internal voice has a very strong pattern of indictment and disapproval for the way things have turned out. I have noticed that when I get frustrated or stuck, my voice blames and shames me into doing something about it. Concepts like ‘no one will help you unless you help yourself’ roll around in the voice convincing me that I have never done enough, and maybe never will. There will also be no help for me unless I am able to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get to doing something about the problems in my life. This usually leads to sentiments of overactive anxious lifestyle (trying to do and be all that the voice says that I should be) or a depressive lifestyle (giving up on the idea of ever achieving it all). 

Obviously, this is unhealthy. The books helps shed awareness of the problem that can lead to mental health issues and even physical health issues (which is my problem). 

I really enjoyed the book because it not only brings awareness, but at the end of each chapter, the author gives different practices, exercises that you can do to enhance healing, awareness and growth. She’s also wise to mention that the healing of mental patterns, negativity, pain and issues are not things that suddenly get better. It’s not an overnight healing process, but it’s a journey to get to the place you imagine yourself as a healthy person. She also helps you explore the foundational issues that may cause this internal voice to be so unhealthy such as unpacking your own story, examining significant interactions, family relationships, etc. in your own life.

I highly recommend this book to readers who either feel over-anxious, depressed, struggle with intrusive thoughts, an unfavorable inner critic or just want to help those who are in similar situations. The author is gentle, kind, loving and points the healing toward a God who loves us dearly and who makes this healing possible because of the beautiful Truth and love that He has to offer us.