Redemption of A Dark Night

The year 2018 was a dark year for me. However, much beauty is birthed out of darkness, isn’t it? I fell into what I like to look back on fondly as, “A Dark Night of the Soul”. There are many written works out there of people who went through something similar. It feels like the rug was pulled out from under you when you find yourself in one. Nothing makes sense. Everything you thought to be true, doesn’t seem to be true anymore, at least in the way that you thought it was. It’s shocking, earth-shattering, confusing and dark.

A good friend recently shared with me that when we see death, we often see life right after, like the sunrise for example: night seems to bring death, but the sun rises the next day bringing light, warmth, new opportunities and sheds new light on things that were lost in the darkness. Seeds are buried into the earth, covered by darkness with what seems like no hope until growth comes out of the dirt and becomes one of the myriad plants that cover our beloved earth’s surface. Jesus died a horrific death in style with a criminal punishment, to raise from the dead three days later. 
Like these things that had to die, a part of me also died in 2018 and felt no hope. It goes to such lengths as that I inwardly planned out my funeral, convinced that I was literally dying. Though, the story clearly didn’t end there for me. Instead, God made a way that a part of me did die, but there was a lot of parts of me that needed to die (and there are plenty that still do!) in order to bring out the redemption of a new sense of maturity, character, and grace that the Lord has been growing and developing in me… a new perspective, a new way of living and thinking. Isn’t that the Gospel though? Though we must die, we are also called to live a new life. For some reason, I thought this death only happened once when we change our minds to follow Jesus, but what I’ve since realized is that the death is ongoing, but so is the new life.

One of the things that came out of this darkness in 2018 was my deepened awareness and love for the concept of stories and narratives that make us who we are. The beauty of our stories is that each of them influence parts of our brain chemistry and pathways for the rest of our lives. That is unfortunately also the downside. Not all of us have easy stories that are sweet and gentle. We walk through a life where harm is around every corner, betrayal lurks in the closet and pain follows us to work. We all have stories that have influenced us and while sometimes they give us gifts of character that bring life, some of these stories also have chains that weigh us down and keep us from living the way that God intended us to live.

In 2018, I began to explore my own story. In a class that I have taken by Dan Allender, he said that if we don’t read and understand our stories, our stories will write us. Essentially, our stories will tell us how to act, what to do and we are powerless before them if we don’t know how they’re controlling us and keeping us from living out the full potential that God has for us. As I began to look at all of the things that happened in my life, analyzed all of the characters, the events and the parts that made me who I am today, I began to see where I had started to develop lies that were keeping me from loving my husband well, treating my kids with patience and grace, or being the best possible employee, friend, co-worker that I could be with representing the light of Jesus. I couldn’t shed what I didn’t know was holding me back.

Ever since, I’ve incorporated story work and analysis into the ways that I meet with students and disciple them and I’ve found a unique passion and love for what it looks like to walk alongside of others who want to unpack their stories, release themselves from the narratives and lies that hold them back and grow into the person that God is calling them to be. Thus, I began to take some coaching classes to see if I might be able to offer this concept not only to college students, but anyone who might want to take the time to explore their own stories with a witness who can listen, explore, point out and encourage healing and growth. Turns out, it’s a good fit and I am currently exploring what this could look like moving forward as a side ministry to advance God’s Kingdom by releasing His disciples to serve without the chains that can bind them.

I don’t know what this coaching on the side will look like long-term because it is secondary to my role as a mother and a campus minister at JMU, but in January I’d love to start taking on a couple regular ladies each month who might be interested in doing some of this exploring alongside me. I can’t promise that it will be perfect, because we’ll be in a learning relationship together, but I promise that out of it that you will have someone who can listen, attune and bring clarity to things that might be causing you confusion or pain. If you’re interested in this kind of service, send me an email and let’s talk about what that could possibly look like. 

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

Perspective and Community in 10 Years of Marriage

The trip started out just as bumpy as our first year of marriage did. We were bright-eyed and hadn’t even thought anything about our trip to the Pacific Northwest could go wrong. However, as soon as it came time for our plane to board, we were alerted that we would be delayed about 10 minutes. Then as soon as we could get on the plane, we learned there was horrible weather in our connecting airport city, and there were no planes allowed in or out. Thus began our 3rd of 7 hours in the Richmond airport. As we rounded upon hours 5 and 6 and our connecting flight to Seattle was canceled, I began to imagine all of the ways our first trip away from the kids could go wrong. I imagined us being stuck in Richmond for our entire week - all of this build up to potentially be stuck in Virginia or have to cut our sight-seeing trip in the Pacific Northwest short. I imagined never getting to the west coast and the whole week passed before my eyes and I became dejected and discouraged no matter what was actually happening in front of me. 

Eventually, we wisened up and put our heads together. We found a flight through another airline in D.C. that required us to be at Reagan National Airport by 4 AM to board a 6 AM flight to Newark. We canceled our ticket from Richmond (and were eventually refunded) and proceeded to drive to Alexandria. There we slept on Scott’s sister’s couch and floor (thank you Bethany!) and she graciously took us to the airport to avoid expensive parking fees. 

I remember our first year of marriage as well, not something that I ever anticipated being tough. What could go wrong with my newly happily married husband? My own sin, that’s what could go wrong. Similarly to our flights getting delayed and changing - once things weren’t “perfect”, I imagined all of the ways that it could go wrong forever. Would I always be unhappy? Did I make a mistake? Could it just be the birth control pills making me crazy? (the answer to that one is yes, it did). If I were to describe something that has ultimately been helpful in our marriage in the last ten years and my life in general would be the concept of perspective.

Worry, anxiety, and our imaginations take things and they spin them. We have one negative interaction and our minds want to control and predict the future from that interaction, but it gets out of hand and at some point - you can’t imagine a place where your marriage could ever be happy again. You can’t imagine how things could ever be better, or a day in which you didn’t experience resentment. However, I’m here to tell you that our perspectives aren’t the full picture, they’re not always correct, and positivity honestly goes a long way. Even when there are issues - changing the perspective that marriage happens in seasons and there are so many resources to grow and develop relationships can change a lot of things. Emotions, while strong, are momentary, especially the bad ones. They come, and they also go. Toddlers are living proof of that beginning in the human body. 

The last ten years with Scott have truly been amazing, and there have been hard parts. I’m hoping to walk into years 11 and beyond with a renewed perspective of the seasons and ups and downs of marriage.

A second aspect of marriage that was reflected in our PNW trip was the presence of community. Most people (from what I’ve heard) choose to vacation on their own. For us, we had the option to do that, but we also chose the PNW so that we could visit some dear friends that actually allowed us to live with them for about two months in 2017 when we were in transition from Norfolk to Blacksburg. They’re absolutely dear friends that have been through a lot recently and seeing them in person was something we knew we’d really like to do. 

Spending our time adventuring with Cody and Jess was a dream. They were so easy to travel with, knew about all of the most amazing places in the areas that we went to and spoiled us with lots of trying lots of new drinks, foods, hikes and seeing beautiful places they knew how to easily navigate. We had great conversations, celebrated, were in awe together, shared stories, cried, ate amazing food, took pictures and just absolutely had a beautiful time. Marriage is a team between the partners, but it also takes so much community to make marriage work and to make it work well. I’m grateful for our chance to bond not only with them, but also Cody’s parents who are from the PNW and generously opened their home to us. 

Community has been invaluable to our marriage over the years. Community has sustained us in those moments of poor perspective, has encouraged us through our fledgling call to ministry as a couple in those early days, came alongside of us as we had kids, literally financially supports our family as we ministry to college students, prays for us, and is absolutely and incredibly invaluable in these past ten years. Marriage is mostly about the work that you put in with your partner, but having wise and steadfast community around both partners can help make that work easier, more effective and can often speak clarity into issues and ask you, “have you prayed about it?”. 

It has been a gift to share these last ten years of ministry, marriage with Scott. I’m looking forward to him as my adventure partner for many more decades while we keep a Kingdom perspective on marriage in our community of people who are cheering us on.

Resources for Anxiety

I’ve recently written a blog post here about having an anxiety disorder. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember, but wasn’t actually diagnosed until my days in college, with official therapy beginning after I got married.

My relationship with anxiety happens very often in spurts that I liken to flares, often in conjunction with other health related issues such as body pain, sleep issues, eating problems, GI issues, all kind of things. The physical symptoms make the mental symptoms worse and I can escalate to really unhealthy levels. It’s unfortunate.

This year, in February, these anxiety and physical symptoms escalated to a point where I just didn’t think I was going to wake up another day. It was all so upsetting, confusing and I felt lost and without resources. I have played with diets, supplements, exercise and all sorts of things I thought would be helpful in the journey. Since I’m currently in “remission” as I’d like to say, I wanted to share some resources that I’ve found helpful in some of those darker days.

• Community.

  This is absolutely essential, non-negotiable part of my healing. I have always been involved in communities wherever I go, but I can often hide bits and parts of myself that I worry about revealing for risk of being shamed, judged, misunderstood, etc. I can’t stress enough how much that finding your people that are safe, kind, curious, loving and stable are important in this battle with mental health. There is a lot of research in the category of neurobiology and the effects of relationships on mental health. I’m a firm believer that reforming this area of your life is probably the single most important thing that you can do when it comes to mental health. Have someone in your corner, battling the things you’re battling, praying for you, making you meals, whatever it is that you need. Allow people to see you, to love you. As a busy mom, my favorite way to get community in is to participate in a regular small group at my church, talk to moms that I meet at playgrounds, keep up with my best friends who don’t live close with the app Voxer, and have regular updates with my husband on how I’m doing.

  In addition to my regular community, as a christian I am also a strong believer in the power of prayer and community prayer. Though it was not fun and I don’t like being vulnerable in front of people who aren’t super close to me - Scott and I even had our elders of our church pray over us amidst the difficult season that we were in this past spring. It’s uncomfortable, and it’s good. I highly recommend letting others in to your battle, letting them battle WITH you.

• Doctor AND Therapist.

  For me, there is always an element of health related issues that come along with my anxiety, which stinks. Whenever I run into a situation where I don’t feel heard, understood, cared for or validated with health concerns, it can cause the anxiety to spiral further out of control. Therefore, it is so important for me to have someone in my corner as a medical professional that takes the time, attention and care to investigate some of my worries, explain different disorders to me, medical tests, and just in general also care for my soul in the process. For the first year in Bridgewater, I wasn’t able to find a provider like this, but when my doctor Fermata Direct Primary Care opened up, I found a friend and supporter and intelligent medical provider in him. His practice is a different model that doesn’t accept insurance, but it works for me because it provides me with a lot more direct access to him which relieves a lot of anxiety about unknowns, appointment times, insurance and money. It also allowed us to go back and forth to talk about possible pharmaceutical treatments, stay in touch with any side effects without trying to get ahold of a doctors office. I highly recommend looking for a DPC provider near you if it’s an option for you locally and financially.

  I also highly recommend a trauma informed therapist who is able to help you dissect your story, understand your background in a way that might help you understand where mental health issues might have come from and how you might be able to figure out healing through the relationship with the therapist and ultimately, with others. The therapy that has been most helpful overall for me has to do with helping understand the overall trajectory of your life and story and how it might affect your mental health now. Therapists are trained guides and coaches who will meet you where you are and journey with you on the path toward health. It’s not immediate, it’s not overnight and it doesn’t guarantee no more future relapses, but it is good, hard work. My personal two favorite therapy experiences have been with Hopewell Counseling in Virginia Beach (telehealth) and Journey Counseling in Harrisonburg.

• Neurocycle App

  Let me introduce you to Dr. Caroline Leaf, a researcher in the field of mental health. She has developed an app that is research backed to provide a significant decrease in symptoms up to 81% in those who use it. I went through a round of Neurocycle back in February when I was in that deep dark pit and I can attest to that fact that it was very useful in calming my mind, meditating, adding in 21 days worth of calming exercises and centering yourself back on health and happiness. The app also has an optional handout that allows you to mentally make it more of a christian/prayer exercise, but the app itself is open to anyone using it regardless of faith background. It does cost money, but it is so much cheaper than therapy. If therapy is not an option for you right now, this app is very useful in rewiring your brain.

• Pause App

  While doing Neurocycle, another app that I stumbled onto is called the Pause app by John Eldredge. This is a specifically christian resource and the thing that I love about it is it gives you about an 8-12 minute meditation on God, His word, His love for you twice a day, so once in the morning and one in the evening. The app focuses on spiritual components of becoming “Resilient”. Apparently there is a book that goes with the meditations, but the app and the meditations are free. They give you a moment to pause, take inventory of what is going on with your day and regularly give it to Jesus instead of harboring it all in. It gives you healthy ways to deal with stress including surrender and allows you to tap into the spiritual power of submission.

• Mindful eating, supplements, diet experimentation & movement

  One other thing that I experimented a lot more with around this time is adjusting my diet to temporarily cut out certain foods, add them back in, make sure I was taking vitamins and minerals and overall making sure I was eating ENOUGH. Anxiety often causes me to function on a freakishly highly effective scale - never being tired, never stopping and not eating enough calories to support my lifestyle. I started tracking some macros, making sure I was getting enough protein, carbs and fats while also not demonizing food and allowing my body what it needed. I have noticed the biggest difference probably in increasing my protein and carbohydrate intake. If you’re not interested much in this area - just taking a multivitamin and going for a morning walk can go a long way. As a caveat in this area - I noticed that when I would include HIIT workouts or anything strenuous, it would actually flare up my anxiety symptoms instead of making them better. This process has been a lesson for me in listening to my body, loving it, respecting it and not necessarily always taking everyone’s specific advice in this area. You’ll know what feels good - for me it’s occasional weights and brisk walking.

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

  Lastly, aside from Try Softer by Aundi Kolber for which you can find my review here, I want to leave you with my favorite book recommendation from the last year: The Body Keeps the Score. This book was monumental to me in finally explaining why I often have complex health related issues alongside of my anxiety. It gave words to experience and helped me not to feel so crazy. The book was full of stories with people with mental health + autoimmune, unexplained illness, and so many more things. The book also gives lots of recommendations for how to heal from trauma that aren’t just medication related and it starts some really important conversations that communities everywhere should be having about how to protect children from traumatic experiences.

I hope some of these recommendations give some of you who struggle with anxiety hope. Again, there is no one quick fix when it comes to complex mental health issues, but there is hope and there can be healing. I especially hold fast to this truth as a believer in Jesus who is literally making all things new. And, you are not too far gone, He can make you new too.

Try Softer: Book Review

My helmet was snug on my head. The sounds around me were muffled by its presence over my ears. My skates felt secure beneath me, connecting me to the ground. I was ready to glide. I was determined to succeed, determined to be the best. I knew my strengths weren’t in shooting or offensive action, though I could if I had to. My strength was in defense. I coached myself into tunnel vision with my eye on the ball and my opponent, my helmet making it easier by blocking out my peripheral vision.

The voice in my head is louder with all the other noise drowned out. 

Focus. 

Keep your stick down. 

You can do better. 

You can try harder. 

All you have to do is use your energy to accomplish the task at hand. 

You can do this. 

You will do this. 

Try harder. 

Be faster. 

Think quicker. 

Hockey was the only thing that I thought I had. I wasn’t exceptionally good at anything, except for hockey, so I wanted it to be my “thing”. I tried hard every practice, wanting to play more, try harder, practice more and be the best… for a girl.

Hockey is one of the first times I can remember my internal voice being so loud and demanding. It is and was a survival mechanism. It wanted me to succeed. The downside is that it has never left me alone, and I suspect you might find yourself in a similar position.

Reading the book, Try Softer was refreshing. I honestly had no idea what the title meant when I picked the book up. I knew I had seen it a few times and that the author, Aundi Kolber ran in circles of people whose books I had read or were familiar with. I bought it for the tag line: “A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode--and into a Life of Connection and Joy”. With many physical and mental issues in this season: it was a book whose title was full of hope, though I thought I was beyond hope.

I learned as I read the book that my internal voice is much more harsh and negative than I thought it was. For a while, I lived with social anxiety, and that voice was the voice that I heard the most because I was not as able to converse or have a community to lean on to shape a positive voice. Friends and companions were few and far between, especially in my younger years - so my internal voice was the one who got me by in school, on the bus, or playing alone in my room. The voice was mostly ashamed of who I was due to my lack of friends, social status or impressive qualities. The voice wanted me to try harder to be valuable. 

“Trying softer isn’t about knowing or doing the right thing; it’s about being gentle with ourselves in the face of pain that is keeping us stuck. Because no matter how hard we try, we can’t hate or shame ourselves into change. Only love can move us toward true growth. This is the love given to us by a gentle, kind, compassionate, good God—and the love we are invited to give ourselves too.” - Aundi Kolber

Further reflection has shown that my internal voice has a very strong pattern of indictment and disapproval for the way things have turned out. I have noticed that when I get frustrated or stuck, my voice blames and shames me into doing something about it. Concepts like ‘no one will help you unless you help yourself’ roll around in the voice convincing me that I have never done enough, and maybe never will. There will also be no help for me unless I am able to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get to doing something about the problems in my life. This usually leads to sentiments of overactive anxious lifestyle (trying to do and be all that the voice says that I should be) or a depressive lifestyle (giving up on the idea of ever achieving it all). 

Obviously, this is unhealthy. The books helps shed awareness of the problem that can lead to mental health issues and even physical health issues (which is my problem). 

I really enjoyed the book because it not only brings awareness, but at the end of each chapter, the author gives different practices, exercises that you can do to enhance healing, awareness and growth. She’s also wise to mention that the healing of mental patterns, negativity, pain and issues are not things that suddenly get better. It’s not an overnight healing process, but it’s a journey to get to the place you imagine yourself as a healthy person. She also helps you explore the foundational issues that may cause this internal voice to be so unhealthy such as unpacking your own story, examining significant interactions, family relationships, etc. in your own life.

I highly recommend this book to readers who either feel over-anxious, depressed, struggle with intrusive thoughts, an unfavorable inner critic or just want to help those who are in similar situations. The author is gentle, kind, loving and points the healing toward a God who loves us dearly and who makes this healing possible because of the beautiful Truth and love that He has to offer us. 

Shenandoah Virginia Engagement Session // Aaron & Lauren

When Lauren first joined our small group, I was instantly drawn to her. She’s outspoken, had just come from a mission trip in the Middle East where God rocked her world in what she witnessed, saw and experienced. She was raw, real, authentic and honest. She’s the kind of disciple and friend that I want in my life. She asks big questions and has big devotion.

As we’ve gotten to know each other, I honestly just love her more. She joined our small group because Aaron, her boyfriend was in it first. Our small group walked with them and watched and cheered them on as they decided - will this be it? Will this person be my forever?

Obviously, they answered that question with a resounding, “yes!” I couldn’t be more excited for them and to grow in relationship with them as they joined our new small group plant. Aaron and Lauren are fun, adventurous, raw and devoted. Together, they’re going to be a force in the Kingdom of God.

To help capture their adventurous spirits, we went out near George Washington National Forest area in Stokesville, Virginia to capture some shots of them doing their thing in their natural habitat. I love living in Bridgewater and discovered these new, wonderful spots. Can’t wait to celebrate them in less than a month!

Staunton, VA Engagement Session: Tyler & Lindsay

Did you ever have the kind of friend in high school that would go on a drive with you to nowhere when you were sad? Or the kind of friend whose house almost felt like a second home and whose parents felt like they were also raising you? A kind of friend you could belt out loud songs with and they’d love you even though you didn’t have the best singing voice?

Lindsay was that friend for me. We knew each other since 7th grade, We slowly developed into closer and closer friends until we had a little gang going in high school. We did theatre, we did everything else too outside of school. We had the same friends, we slept over all of the time, we danced in the rain, we went to Barnes and Noble way too many times just because we had nothing else to do. Lindsay and I grew up together, came into being adults together and she will always be precious and important to me because of all that we’ve been through together. Lindsay was even there when Scott proposed to me - literally taking the pictures.

One of the things that I admire about Lindsay is that all the dreams we talked about in college - she actually went for them. We talked again and again about moving to NYC together, conquering the world, etc. Lindsay actually DID attend NYU for a short-time. And then she continued to pursue being a teacher who changes the lives of youth. I admire her for all that she was, all that she is and all that she will be. I’m more than happy that she found someone to spend forever with and can’t wait to celebrate with them in April.

I am SO honored to take these engagement photos for my high school bestie. She and her love even met me in Staunton, only 20 minutes from where I live, but a 1.5 hours from them. Thankful for the chance to meet the guy that stole this beautiful woman’s heart!

Tyler and Lindsay - a huge congratulations on your engagement.

Sabbath: An Introduction

Restless. Inability to stay still. Inability to exist in silence for very long without pulling out my phone, scrolling Instagram, reading a book, organizing something, cleaning or just in general… doing something. That is my standard practice. That is how I exist and breathe and move through space. Always doing.

Though I’ve been seriously following Jesus since 2008, practicing a sabbath rest has never been a priority of mine. I’m not sure why I never took it seriously. Perhaps a part of it was that I learned about spiritual life in college and I always needed to do homework on Sundays, so I just kind of figured it wasn’t a big deal, because everyone else also did homework on Sundays. 

A few months ago, Scott and I picked up this audiobook to listen to together. It challenged us in more ways than we expected. Books don’t always get me to change life habits, but this one did. From this book and several other life influences, we decided to adopt the practice of a weekly Sabbath. Spiritual practice and discipline reveals inner parts of our lives that we’re not always aware of because our minds are elsewhere. For me, it has revealed my inability to calm down and rest without doing something productive. In the quiet, in the in between moments, in the stress… my mind jumps to what I should be doing, what I can do, what I can accomplish, or how I can improve my life, my space, etc. 

There was a joke that my parents made about me even back into high school. When I was upset, angry, or just in a bad place I would bake cookies or clean. If I was in the kitchen, my dad would ask if I was making “angry cookies” or would ask me what was wrong. I’ve been sitting with this concept, realizing that when our weekly sabbath hits and I can’t fill my time with accomplishments I feel a real sense of sadness and worthlessness. It almost feels like on some of those sabbath days that I have a sense of depressive feelings if I can’t put my body to work. Who knew that rest could bring on such complicated feelings? That’s the heart of a spiritual discipline (though I would argue sabbath is more of a command): it puts our bodies in places that allow for the Holy Spirit to transform our lives. 

Our Sabbath journey is not over, it’s really just beginning. It’s not perfect and I haven’t even been able to fully let the Holy Spirit speak to my soul about what I’ve learned about myself and invite healing, restoration and beauty and goodness to overwhelm the broken parts of me that only value accomplishments and productivity. However, I share because I want this space to be not a space where I’m writing every time I have something profound to say, but I want to invite you in on the journey. I won’t be using social media on sabbath days, but I will drop some information on my instagram about what we do on sabbath so far, what we wrestle with, and what it takes to get to sabbath rest. 

How about you? Do you or your family practice a sabbath? What does it look like in your stage of life - with young kids, no kids, single, married, etc.?

Lexington, VA Family Photography // The Alleys

I’ve been photographing Jesse and Rebecca before any of these three little ones have been in the picture. Even before that, we all went to the same campus ministry at Virginia Tech as undergraduates. Rebecca was even on my small group leadership team. It’s amazing that we’re now both moms of three and figuring out this whole marriage & kid thing together. I LOVE her kids - they’re such a joy to be around… totally and fully living life out loud as kids. They’re energetic, joyful and so much fun. I especially was in love with their littlest, Emma, during this session if you can’t tell.

I was honored that they drove to Lexington, VA from their hometown of Roanoke to meet me halfway to capture their sweet family in this season.

Jesse & Rebecca - thank you for always believing in this little business of mine. It’s an honor to capture your family!

The Power of Community & Love

When I began to really wrestle with knowing God in college, I drank in information through a fire hose. I had previously been exposed to various aspects of the Bible, Jesus and God, but I still knew almost nothing. I began my nonstop investigating, reading, asking questions and trying to understand the God who seemed to be calling me to Himself (though I put up a fight). I read devotionals, picked up the Bible and started journaling through each chapter that I was reading and discerning what it said.⁣

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The hardest part of my fledgling faith at the time was prayer and relationship with the Lord (and it might still be that). Since talking to people about my current experiences (see this blog) is so difficult for me to do, talking to God about it is very similar, especially since there is some complicated theology thrown in about God's omniscience making it hard to understand relationship with Him. Talking to God about anything was difficult. He was easier to write about, to talk about rather than talk to or engage with directly. Talking to God also evoked in me somewhat of a fear of rejection, not hearing anything or finding out He isn't real, and thus finding myself a fool.

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It’s not really a surprise that the relational aspect of knowing God was difficult for me when simple, honest and deep friendships also posed a challenge. It’s not like I would suddenly sprout great relational skills only with God and not with people. Therefore, once I gave myself to a relationship with a friend in the college ministry I attended, my relationship with God also continued to catch fire. There was some key in letting myself be completely open with and known by another person that allowed me to understand a bit of how relationship with God must work as well. My friend who accepted me in my confessions, prayed with and for me, invited me and challenged me gave me a human example that I could then use to grow my relationship with God.⁣

Not only did this friend help me set a base of experience to which I could have a prayer life with the Lord, but having this friend and ultimately a community helped me experience what the love of God might feel like. It's easy to be taught in the Bible that God is love, that He loves us, that He sacrificed for us. However, this is mere knowledge unless it's converted to a felt experience. I believe the community that came around me, that loved and supported me in the midst of my stumbles and mistakes began to help me experience an iota of the love that must be emanating from God the Father. Community love set an example for my heart to know that it must be loved by God. It helps convert theological identity into a felt experience that pulls me further into wanting to grow with the Lord relationally.

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It’s not a surprise then that community, taking care of one another and loving one another is so often mentioned in the Bible because we can be taught through others how to love God and how to be loved by God. Knowledge is one thing, experience is another. We now live in the age of the Holy Spirit working through the lives and hearts of the people that know and love God.⁣

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In John 13:14-15 Jesus commands us to love one another.⁣

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”⁣

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Community and being known dramatically transformed how I am able to deal with anxiety, but it also has dramatically altered the way that I experience God, Himself. Therefore friends, what are you waiting for? There is so much power in love. What does it look like to do what Jesus said, and love one another, right now? Today? This month? This year?

Anxiety & Being Known

The realization that I am in internal processor was a really big deal in my journey with mental health.⁣

I have always been an observer, introspective and highly internal. Thus, my natural method of dealing with overwhelming feelings and fear is to do it inwardly and to do it alone. Part of the reason that I believe I became this way is because I’m such an intense experiencer of emotions and they can hit me so hard sometimes that I can’t even immediately put words to the experience… therefore I’m processing my emotions on my own because who is going to ask how you felt about something that happened 3 days after it happened?

This mostly worked for me until I started struggling with mental health. I always felt alone, though I was never alone and I couldn’t figure out why. Always this constant feeling like others never really cared about me, though I was certainly not a loner running with wolves: I had a family, I had (some) friends, I was not alone. I had taught myself through my own thought habits that people don’t really want to hear about my inner life.⁣ Somehow I also believed that it's rude of me to just offer up such information without being asked.

It wasn’t until later in life (and still now as I’m reading The Body Keeps the Score) that I continue connecting the dots that to be known deeply in a relational way is a game changer when it comes to mental health. I’m not saying that it is a cure-all for all who struggle with mental health, but I do believe that to be truly known in a safe relationship is an important tool for battling anxiety and depression for me.⁣

There are a lot of caveats to this safe relationship. The relationship with the listener must be one where the other is attuned to my feelings, stories and emotions and can demonstrate and reflect their connection to me. The person also must be curious about my story, asking additional questions, clarifying points, and also validating (even if they disagree) the experience that my brain is having. They can still disagree with me, I am okay with that (thanks COVID) and I can still feel loved, known and understood.

The concept of "Being Known" came to me through the voracious reading of interpersonal neurobiology books by Curt Thompson and James Wilder. Never before would I have guessed that my obsession with "authenticity" from college had a scientific reasoning behind why I suddenly shed a lot of my social anxiety and grew interpersonally. The experience of having safe people who truly know the good, the bad and the ugly about my subjective experience is important to me and has been transformational in my ability to handle my own anxiety struggles.⁣

I am imperfect in freely sharing still to this day. I can share repetitive struggles and stories like this one, but to actively share my lived experience with another still poses challenges for me especially as a busy mom. The fact that I am an internal processor has not changed.

Being a mom permanently means for me that there is always something more important for me to do than to tend to my emotions. Someone needs water, someone needs food, someone needs to be wiped or the dishes need to be done. Theres a pile of laundry, the sinks are gross, and now we have an AirBnb bookings to attend to. Not to mention the business that I run or the students that I meet with. Do I really have time to journal or to leave a friend a voice message about the daily struggles and pains of my current life? Do I have time to even interpret my feelings to make sense of them to even be able to share with another human being? Will they even care that I think I have a chronic disease for the 10th time?⁣

"Pain demands to be felt" - a quote from the Fault in Our Stars that has stuck with me over the years. The Body Keeps the Score has resurfaced this quote back into my mind. Emotions will show up in one way or another if they are not welcomed when they first knock.⁣

I'm not sure that I want to pay the mental health price of not attending to my current struggles and realities anymore.⁣

“Remember that emotion is not a debatable phenomenon. It is an authentic reflection of our subjective experience, one that is best served by attending to it.” - Curt Thompson, MD.

I Have an Anxiety Disorder

My first real panic attack happened in the middle of a class in college called broadcast writing. I was looking at the teacher giving his lesson for the day, but I heard nothing. Instead, it was a constant inner dialogue of how I thought I had mono because my throat was hurting. I began to panic that I would be too tired and sick to accomplish anything that school semester. I imagined myself failing out of the semester, or dying of a lack of energy.

During this thought attack, I started to feel my throat closing up. I thought I was going to choke to death in the middle of my class, so to save myself the embarrassment of dying amongst my peers, I gathered my things, left the room and ran outside and called my dad. He met me at the E.R. Soon, I realized that I was not dying, nor did I have mono, but I had a panic attack.⁣
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That was over 10 years ago. I don’t have as many frequent trips to the E.R, but my anxiety has not gone away. I have had years of remission of anxiety, but it usually returns, more conniving than before. It has different circumstances that trigger it, but it remains there, lurking for its opportunity to rob me of being present with myself, my husband, my kids and my family. The journey with anxiety these past ten years has taken me through trying medication, (lots of) diet changes, counseling, regular exercise, doctors and a lot of time and struggle. It’s all useful, but nothing has “cured” my issue. Anxiety is complex, it is not simple, and there is no simple answer to it.⁣
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I’ve learned not to let the anxiety define who I am, but I have also learned to live with the anxiety. Though I deal with anxiety still today, I am not incapacitated by it the same way that I used to be. I have tools to use that I didn’t have before (hello deep breathing, cold showers and voxer). I have friends who know me intimately, I have brain knowledge, I have a great network of resources and I have a husband who is patient, kind and no stranger to the mental health struggle. It’s tempting when I find myself in seasons of anxiety to get down on myself for getting back "into the pit".

I preach to myself to remember that I am still more equipped to dealing with it than I was before. I am still waking up, meeting others, taking care of the kids and routinely confessing my struggles and anxiety to those with whom I live life. I share this mostly to share that it is a reality, and that if you also struggle, you’re not alone. And sometimes, even though you may be struggling - perhaps you have come far from when it began. Or perhaps my story can encourage you that you will have a future in which it doesn’t knock you down as far as it is right now. God’s grace is present and available. Sometimes we don’t get a cure to what ails us, but we are given the gift of endurance.