I Have an Anxiety Disorder
My first real panic attack happened in the middle of a class in college called broadcast writing. I was looking at the teacher giving his lesson for the day, but I heard nothing. Instead, it was a constant inner dialogue of how I thought I had mono because my throat was hurting. I began to panic that I would be too tired and sick to accomplish anything that school semester. I imagined myself failing out of the semester, or dying of a lack of energy.
During this thought attack, I started to feel my throat closing up. I thought I was going to choke to death in the middle of my class, so to save myself the embarrassment of dying amongst my peers, I gathered my things, left the room and ran outside and called my dad. He met me at the E.R. Soon, I realized that I was not dying, nor did I have mono, but I had a panic attack.
That was over 10 years ago. I don’t have as many frequent trips to the E.R, but my anxiety has not gone away. I have had years of remission of anxiety, but it usually returns, more conniving than before. It has different circumstances that trigger it, but it remains there, lurking for its opportunity to rob me of being present with myself, my husband, my kids and my family. The journey with anxiety these past ten years has taken me through trying medication, (lots of) diet changes, counseling, regular exercise, doctors and a lot of time and struggle. It’s all useful, but nothing has “cured” my issue. Anxiety is complex, it is not simple, and there is no simple answer to it.
I’ve learned not to let the anxiety define who I am, but I have also learned to live with the anxiety. Though I deal with anxiety still today, I am not incapacitated by it the same way that I used to be. I have tools to use that I didn’t have before (hello deep breathing, cold showers and voxer). I have friends who know me intimately, I have brain knowledge, I have a great network of resources and I have a husband who is patient, kind and no stranger to the mental health struggle. It’s tempting when I find myself in seasons of anxiety to get down on myself for getting back "into the pit".
I preach to myself to remember that I am still more equipped to dealing with it than I was before. I am still waking up, meeting others, taking care of the kids and routinely confessing my struggles and anxiety to those with whom I live life. I share this mostly to share that it is a reality, and that if you also struggle, you’re not alone. And sometimes, even though you may be struggling - perhaps you have come far from when it began. Or perhaps my story can encourage you that you will have a future in which it doesn’t knock you down as far as it is right now. God’s grace is present and available. Sometimes we don’t get a cure to what ails us, but we are given the gift of endurance.